So I logged on to Twitter and received the shock of my life.  There it was on top of the trend, RIP STEPHEN GATELY.. I first thought, maybe it's just some prank or something..I then googled and learned it was not and realized Twitter is somewhat reliable considering it was where I confirmed Michael Jackson's death.

When I was in grade school, I fell in love with Boyzone. There was something about their songs. There were lots of boy bands then but it was Boyzone that caught my attention.. I bought all their album (cassette tapes back then because I didn't have the money to buy the CDs).. And if I remember correctly, apart from their songs, I loved the band because of Stephen.. He was my favorite member.. Also, because of the band, my best friends and I bonded.. We would spent hours and hours over the phone discussing about them.. The fan girls in us were soooo evident.. I was even made fun by my cousins who were such teasers.  And I would blush and feel embarrassed for being such a fan girl.. Not that I am not proud of being one or for supporting someone but I just didn't like the idea of being teased or made fun of because you support or like someone they didn't.  I get pissed easily I admit.  Anyway, I memorized every song and I would play them when I would wake up in the morning and place the player near the bathroom.  And I'd also play them while I am in the car and my grandfather who drops me off to school would scold me for interrupting his driving while I ask him to turn on the car player. I can't believe I remember these things soooo vividly..

At this moment I don't know what I feel.  I guess it hasn't sunk in yet..  Now I know the feeling of "losing" someone I didn't personally know but have at least touched my life and He was not really aware of.  He was not the perfect person. He married someone belonging to his own sex.  There were other imperfections not known to the public but still for me it never made him less of a person.  Yeah, that is how I look at people even though they are not my friends, relatives or whatever.

RIP STEPHEN GATELY.

P.S.
By "favorite" I mean I had a huuuuuuugggggggggggggeeeeeee crush on him.

Yep, I am still alive.. It's the one thing I am grateful especially today since it's a Sunday. 

Yesterday, I cleaned the entire house, well, almost the entire house because my mother's brother is coming.  My mother went to work, overtime, and my sister went to Red Cross to help out since they were conducting an orientation and I was left alone to clean.  Obsessive-compulsive that I was I wanted the floor of the bedroom to be really so polished, since my tito and his wife are meticulous when it comes to cleanliness of the house, it's their house by the way.. They have their own house in Manila though, where they permanently reside.  I was really trying so hard to make it so polished but then I stopped since I was feeling my Carotid pulse pounding and I got scared.  I stopped for a while and drank a glass of water, cold water by the way, which I think is not advisable to drink if you are dead tired.  Then after a couple of minutes I continued cleaning and I was eventually done before 2pm.  I then took  a bath and sat in front of the computer, I didn't sleep since I thought it would be best to just go to bed early that night. I had a slight headache while surfing the internet.  I thought it was just because of the weather, it was really hot so I just tried to ignore it.  I went to the grocery with my mom and when I came home I was hungry already.  The headache worsen but then I thought it was just because I was hungry.. I sometimes have headaches when I am soooo hungry.  Before dinner I really wanted to take painkillers but then since I had an empty stomach I waited until after dinner before taking the meds.  It was relieved for a while.  While watching I felt it was getting worst to the point that I was crying already because it wont go away.  And then I thought of the pounding pulse and it made me think of crazy stuff like, "what if I had a ruptured aneurysm or something--stroke, and the like.  I immediately browsed my Pathophysiology book.  No nausea, vomiting, photophobia for me. Ruled out stroke, aneurysm. Haha.. Funny how the nurse in me comes out when I am sooo paranoid.  Then I decided to take another painkiller though I know it was dangerous to take another one.  My mom even freaked when I said I took one.  Even more when I told her if  "I wont wake up tomorrow that means I was overdosed!" I again took a bath and taddah! Headache's gone!  Slept early and...And I am still here.. :))

Thinking about the pounding pulse and headache yesterday made me realize so many things.  That contrary to what I always told my mom and sister, I was afraid to die.  Before, I always thought that I was ready to leave the earth anytime because I know and believe that I will be in a much better place but it was not as simple as that.  I remember talking to God, telling Him how I wished it was me who died instead of my father. I would really trade places with Him if given the chance.  I did the same when my grandfather died.  And now I have been put in a place where I came to understand why people are so afraid of dying, even so of dying young.  It made me think that I have not yet accomplished anything in my life as far as I am concerned.  I still have lots of goals to accomplish.  I still have to meet THE DAVID COOK in person.. I still have to buy a rest house in Tagaytay next to my best friends house.. Haha.. And that is probably the reason why I had that slight hesitation to accept imminent death.

Also it's during those eulogies that we come to realize how someone has lived the life he/she was blessed with and how much he/she has touched even just one person's life.  And I do not like that to happen, I want to know how I was as a friend, daughter, sister, professional, etc. while I am still on earth.  And in return I would like to express my gratitude for having  wonderful people who surround me, who loved, cared and supported me.  It's a pity to know these things are said right when we are about to bury someone six feet below.  So why not tell the people we care about how we feel, right?  And I am telling it to YOU right now, yep, YOU the one reading this even though we have not personally met or you may not have left any comment or something but the fact that you read this means something already.  You have shared some of your precious time and that is something to be THANKFUL FOR. :D

Thinking it all over I was left with another question, would I rather die in an instant (like from an accident) or suffer from a long-term disease such as cancer or something like that?

Twitter has been acting really weird! I guess because of the "hacker attack" a few days ago.. I downloaded TwitterFox just so I can @reply to people and I have noticed that I am receiving updates from micheleeeex during Nokia Concert and GMA.  I became suspiscious 'coz it's Sunday, August 9, here in the Philippines and the Nokia Concert and GMA appearance was Friday, August 7.  If it's 7:55 pm here Sunday, it should be 7:55 am there Sunday, right? So, the updates I have been receiveing from micheleeeex were tweets from yesterday (Saturday). Am I hallucinating or something here!!!

So, I have been receiving tweets from yesterday but in real time???  It's like Deja vu or something.. It's creepy!!!

I think micheleeeex and I should check our Twitter accounts!!!! Something's wrong...

Proof:



( Four more... )

P.S.
micheleeeex : If I got everything wrong, I apologize in advance..I don't want to alarm you or creep you out as well..

...by someone who have inspired me.. Thus this one:

After my rants on Facebook and Twitter, here I am. I just want to get my feelings out.

So my ever bitchy cousin asked me to print out some shirts again which I turned down a few days ago because of the many things I was supposed to attend to. I thought we were already clear that I can't do it.  Much to my surprise she still sent the shirts so I thought  I just have to return it.  Came Friday she sent me a text message asking me to send the deliver the printer shirt to her which was so impossible because I have to attend the Christening of my friend's son.  She even asked someone to call me to asked about the shirt because apparently she was sick! But here's the thing, my cousin is such a liar.  I know how she manipulates people and I would never allow someone to manipulate me.  I'm not exaggerating here when I said she's a liar.  She does make up stories.  I should know because she tells me things especially with her "boyfriend" (I don't really wanna go there because I might say things I should not really divulge to people) .  She even told someone she was at the hospital even though she was not.  How pathetic is that?

So when she tells me things, I find it hard to believe because she tends to make up stories just so you can give in to her demands or something.  So today, she again sent me a text message begging me to print out the shirt because her friend is leaving and the shirts were apparently gifts for some friends.  I told her I really can't do it because I am busy.   She then asked her friend to text me.  Furious that I was, I replied and said "I'm on my way home to print it out, I'll just ask someone to hand it over to you because I have some important thing to attend to".  And guess what she replied! She sarcastically said, "Sorry I have to ruin your important appointment!" What the! Then I replied, "I'm sorry too, but I thought I was clear when I told my cousin I can't do the shirts because I have important things to do. And then she finally told me there was a mis-communication and it was all my cousin's fault! How about that? I was almost embarrassed by someone for not being able to print out some shirts for some client because of her and all she did was send text messages to me to do something for her!  My patience-meter is about to overflow! I really had enough of her already!

The thing is, I am not the confrontational type, I don't want arguments or I don't want someone to think I am being hard on them so I'd rather do what they want me to do. But also don't want people to take advantage of my being so patient because there are limitations for everything.  And I am afraid I might do bad things when decided that it has to end. I always believed people who seem like they could tolerate everything are the scariest people to deal with when they have enough of what is happening.  And I am that high-tolerance-to-everything kind of person. My sister would always tell me that I "tamed" compared to her because I always follow what people tell me and I don't break rules but then again I guess she does not know me really well.

Am I rude for making this rant? I feel bad for acting this way! Even though I look snob, like a bully or something I'm really harmless.  And I hate my self for being that way!!!

Good thing though is that my FLIST  is entertaining me :) And I am grateful for that ;)

Ok, enough with my rants.  Now I am OK!  I just needed to let it all out .

I'm you're biggest fan I'll follow you until you love me...You'll be famous (You already are!) Chase you down until yo love me!!! LOL

To my flist:

I'm so sorry I just wanted to post this.. I can't help it ;)

A lot has been happening the past few days, and mostly death of friends' grandparents.  The grandfather of my best friend of 15 years died of a heart attack last Friday and it really came to me as a shock.  I learned about it because I went out with a close friend of mine from high school.  Then my best friend confirmed the news when she sent a text message saying that they are on their way here.

That same day we met up with another friend of ours and told us about the passing of her grandfather as well.  Unfortunately her grandfather was from Cebu and the burial is on Saturday, the same day as her baby boy's Christening so she wont be able to attend the services.

Then came Monday night and I learned about the passing of a relative by affinity, I'm guessing she had a heart attack as well although she was suffering from Colon Cancer (yeah, the dreaded CA!).  It's really weird the most popular diagnosis these days is CANCER!  And I am kind of freaked because it runs in the family!  Anyways, she really became close to us  when we were grieving the loss of my grandfather and she was always there.  It really makes me sad that she's also gone now.

So yesterday Leslie, who broke the news regarding the passing of my best friend's grandfather, and I finally went to the wake.  I felt sad not just because of their loss but rather because it was the only time we were able to catch up after so many years.  She went to another school which was a 10hr drive from here and after she graduated from college she got a job there.  We never had the chance to see each other whenever she comes home for vacation so it took us seven years before we finally saw each and it turned out that fateful day was yesterday at the wake.  The friendship we have was really the kind where even though we never saw each other in years nothing really changed.  It felt like we were still in grade school, the only difference is we talk maturely.  I guess it's a weird friendship because I don't really get to share those secrets with her and then we'll both end up at an assumption that this or that has happened.  And every assumption is always true.  Not that I don't trust her or she doesn't trust me but rather I guess we have this silent or unspoken communication that only the two of us understand which is really cool.. And that we were always assured that despite not being able to talk to each we always have each other.

In other news, my computer is fixed after two weeks.  I lost my audio two days ago and now it's back. I don't know what really happened.  I'm just glad everything's back to normal.

Still in other news, I want to have my hair curled. I've been having bad hair day almost every day so I thought I'd have it permanently curled.. I wanted it permed but then if I'd be going for duty I'd have it pony-tailed since we're expected to be looking neat when dealing with the patients and one of the hospital staff might call my attention if my hair would be all over my face or something.

( My hair will look like one of these girls' hair style! Hmmm.. )

ETA:
THIS JUST IN!: So our other best friend, Miar, whom I was with my entire college life (we were always together! Our batch mates even thought we were bribing the ones who made our groupings because we were always on the same group.), also lost her grandmother! This week is really getting weird.

So I have not been surfing the internet the past week 'coz my ever dearest sister infected my 'puter with virus :( I've been so bored though watching 3 seasons of 24 kept me insane and happy :)) But still I was bored. I got to access Facebook on my mobile and that's about it.  I haven't gotten my 'puter back up to now, I'm using someone else's 'puter! Haha.. So I'll take this opportunity to catch up..

I miss everyone :) Really! It feels like the web has been my world and home. And you all are family :)  Hopefully I can catch up soon :)  Take care everyone!

This is all for now ;)

micheleeeex  and yumipitz 

HAPPY BURPDAY to both of you :)) Have a blast :)

Today would have been your 90th birthday Grandpa! It's the same day I bargained to come quickly last year.  I was praying for one more year but it was never granted.  You let go when I was telling you to hold on and stay with us for a little while.  You're such a stubborn old man, you know that! And you missed my 22nd birthday! Technically, you didn't 'coz  we all said our, well, not GOODBYES but SEE YOU LATER, on my birthday!  How could you do that????  But come to think of it you still wanted to stay for may birthday right? I miss you LOLO.  I miss how I joke around you and how you annoy me at times.  I miss your snore at night, but please don't let me hear that tonight.  I miss everything!

 I hope you know that you were like a real father to me.  And I am so sad that you're also gone.

*My dad's dad passed away when I was not even born and my father passed away when I was 7yrs. old.  I don't really know if it's a good thing to only have two grandfather and one father because I might be in trouble if we have more grandfathers and fathers 'coz I noticed they are all gone!*

Anyways, I hope you'll have a blast up there LOLO!

P.S.
Just don't party here at home because I am alone, ok? I really don't want company.  You know how scared I am of some presence I don't really see right?

To my flist, sorry I am just annoyed!

It's really hard to be in a business where you have to work with someone else.  If only I had the money to put up my own.. I know she was the one who invested, scratch that someone else did, and I know I am just her industrial partner (as she addresses me) but I am tired of her telling me to do this and that.  I never agreed to do everything! When we started this business you said we'd do it together, you'd also help me since we won't be putting much effort, all we need is some computer, software etc.. But as we went along I was the one who was doing all the work! You just phone me to tell me to print out 6 shirts or something or that I need to accompany you to deposit money! And what do I get in return? PhP 15 (like 30 cents in the US)  per shirt! You just show up because you need me, but when I need help you have so many reasons.

I hope you realize that I am not your slave.  And don't tell me you're paying me because it isn't enough.  I am sticking with you because you are my cousin and I don't want to jeopardize our relationship.

I just got home. I had my Baby D aka Samsung U600 mobile phone checked because nothing shows up on the screen.  I am so careless and dropped my phone a few days ago and then Saturday night, it just died.  It's just a year old, I got it May 22, 2008, the day David won American Idol (here in the Philippines) but I had it opened twice already. I know, I am so careless/clumsy! Anyways, before it died last Saturday, I was looking at Nokia's E63 and was thinking of saving up so I can buy one even though I know I can still have my U600 repaired.  I guess my phone felt I was taking him (yeah him!) for granted and so it thought me a lesson, it suddenly did not show up anything on the screen. Apparently the flex of the phone was torn.  Good thing my mom gave me money to have it repaired! Haha.. Yeah, I don't have money to pay for my phone's repair but I am thinking of buying an expensive phone! Haha..

I am still deciding if I really want to buy another phone since they have revived my phone plus I don't really want to ditch my U600 especially since it will always remind me of David right???

I am just happy it working again :))

Two days in a row! So my memory has failed me for the second time! I don't know where this is coming from, is it because I am idle for more than a year now and there's really not much brain activity  going on or because of my being so clumsy that I bump my head hard a couple of times already and has not submitted myself for CT scan or whatever test I need?

Last night I commented on  traipsing_gypsy's status on FB! We were like playing supply the next lyrics.. Haha.. Then she told me she wrote an entry about the song. I then checked out LJ.  It was about Ryan Star! For the longest time people where talking about him and I never payed attention.  I saw some photos of him, His voice is awesome but it never really caught my attetion until that post by traipsing_gypsy.  Yeah I know! I suck! How did I not recognize that He joined Rock Star Supernova? Though I admit I only watched that show once or twice. Bad memory!

Then a while ago, I remember I haven't watched the Shattered Dreams video of David so I went to look for it.  Again, the chorus sounded familiar, and I tried to recall the song but nothing came to mind and Johnny Hates Jazz does not ring a bell either.  Then I goggled it and TADAAAH! ULTRA! Haha.. I used to listen to them.  It sounded famiiar because I sang to it already in gradeschool!

I know it's not really a big deal but it scares me 'coz I bumped my head a couple of times really hard and I am thinking that has something to do with failing memory! Or I am just too paranoid?

Anyways, I'm done here.. Haha :)

1. Reply to this post and I'll assign you a letter.
2. List (and upload, if you feel like it) 5 songs that start with that letter.
3. Post them to your journal with these instructions.

Each Time - E-17

Elsewhere - Bethany Joy Galeotti

Easier  - Kandi

Elevation  - U2

Everytime - Janet Jackson

vintagevixen  gave me "E" and it took me a few days to post this one.. My bad! Haha :))

The gloomy weather is killing me! I feel so depressed!  I thought some text message will get me in the mood but it just broke my day :(  I feel like a useless person.

So this friend of mine sent me a message, I replied and asked how she was and she informed me that she's just waiting for her flight! When I hear about these kinds of stuff I really feel useless.  It feels like I have wasted almost two precious years. Is this the price I have to pay for pursuing something I never really wanted?  When people (my friends) tell me they want to look for a job or something because they do not want to just depend on their parents and all, I feel guilty.  After I took the licensure exams I thought I should be looking for a job, like work in a call center or something since most of my batch mates where doing it to earn something while waiting for the results but then my mom's brother told me not to because I might be stuck to it because of the salary and I may not want to practice my profession.  So I turned down a call even if I wanted it badly.  Fortunately I passed the exams and so I planned to apply as a clinical instructor since I was inspired by a brilliant and young instructor I had back in college.  Again, Tito told me to work as a volunteer in a hospital but then I we were not allowed to apply until we had our license card with us.  Then my grandfather became ill and we needed someone to take care of him so I decided to become his private duty nurse while I was trying to figure out what I really wanted to do.  I took care of Him for almost a year, unfortunately He died November of 2008.  After the burial I had a few weeks to decide and finally made a decision but come January of '09 there was a change in plan because Tito wanted us to take the state board so we could leave the country.  During the course of my application for the state board I felt like doing some things but I really could not.  Most of my friends were voluntering already and I feel left out and I envy them because they have done so much already and here I am doing nothing.  When I think of the months that passed by I really feel bad because by now I should have completed the 6-month training and I can already apply to hospitals and work.  I regret that I have not at least try to volunteer at a primary or secondary hospital facility but then I feel I made the right decision because no one would have taken care of my grandfather.  I really don't know.

I guess I just feel bad because this is not the life I have imagined, not the situation I'd be in at 22.  I never really accomplished as much as I have imagined.  I've got  lots of things in mind, lots of ambitions and plans. I've always thought I have a structured life back in highschool.  But here's the thing, that "structured life" I was talking about was filched from me when I was about to enter college and everything just changed.  I regret that I was not able to picture the possible consequences of the decision I was about to make. That I was too weak to pursue what I really wanted.  And I was too scared to decide for myself and I was afraid that I might choose or make the wrong turn so I let then decide for myself thinking I would please them and that they know what is best for me.  And guess what, that decision I made was the wrong turn I was so afraid to make but ended up making it anyway.

I may have over come the many obstacles of that bad decision and by now I should be thinking that this is really where I am suppose to be, I am destined to be in this situation because I made it through despite everything but it's really just hard for me to think that way.  I just feel bad right now.

Anyways, I'll just think that there's always a rainbow after the rain, right?

This was Raine's idea. I saw it on her multiply. She had it made especially for David and gave it to him when He came to Manila :) I wanted to test my artistic and creative side so I played with the air dry clay I bought a year ago. I usually use molders since I've always thought I really can't sculpt :) So this is the very first time I did not use a molder. It's really crappy! It took me also two or more hours I guess.

( Here it is.. )

David A's so Adorable :) He reminds me of my nephew, they really look-a-like. I loved it when HE said "Mahal Kita"... Cute!

David Cook's MIA.. I'm craving for Cookie :)