*Crying while typing this post.*

Talked to my Tito. He's again blaming for not submitting our application directly to his wife's cousin. Is he for real? He's been calling me almost every week. I wanted to tell him to stop pressuring me and my sister. But we owe him a lot and I don't want to sound rude. I am tired of being in this kind of situation. I want to do things my way, at my own pace. I don't want people telling me to this and that. I am done with that. That was the same reason why I ended up here.

If only I could turn back time. I just realized there's really no point in pleasing other people, even your family will not appreciate it. I guess, if people do not want what you have done they will never value it even if it's for everyone's sake. I am really confused. I have been keeping a lot of emotions and I don't really want to let it out because I am the kind who gets so guilty after venting my feelings. I don't want people to have this bad impression of me. I know, I always think of what people might say and it has hurt me a lot of times. I have been trying to figure out where I am coming from for years now. And I came up with theory that it's all because I am surrounded by people who project perfection. Who ever thought perfection was a good thing? It never was. I was always compared to these people and that I should follow them, blah blah blah. In the first place no two persons are a like, even twins are not the same, so quit comparing. Second, these people have the means and I don't. I hope they will realize that. It's really difficult when people keep pushing you to the limit.

Also, I dreamt about my Lolo the past few days. I don't know why. I kind of miss him.



(I what to turn off my mobile so he won't be able to contact me.)


ETA: I want to die right now. He called again. Asking for the original email I sent to the Board of Registered Nursing. I told him I sent the same letter thrice but he wants the original one. Huh? He scolded me and told me not to reason out and just send the email.

I am having a headache.

Today was just full of EPIC FAIL. I had to lie to my Uncle and was forced to submit an application at a nearby hospital. And I lost my clearbook which contained all my document--- TOR, Diploma, Certificate of Good Standing, Certificate of Board Rating, Recommendation letter, my birth certificate--everything.

I am not sure if I forgot it at the mall or if I left it in the trike, if so I pray that the driver will notice it and returns it to me. If not I have to pay for an ad.

I feel stupid. I never really noticed that it was missing if not for my sister.

I was watching Tyra a while ago and they were talking about the Classic Examination dreams which I also dreamt of a couple of times when I was still a student -- the one where you did not study well and you are so worried you are going to fail. In reality I thought it meant that failure was coming my way. But the real interpretation was that my perfectionist self was coming to light. It was also said that "Intelligent" individuals normally have this kind of dream. Hmmmm.. Should I be flattered? Well one thing is for sure, I really get anxious during exam week and when I think about stuff alot I tend to dream about it as well.

I am not yet done with my Christmas cards :( What day is it??? I guess you guys will be receiving your cards next year? My bad! Im soooooo sorry.. I'll try to finish everything ASAP.. This is what happens when I see a lot of card ideas everywhere. I can't decide what to make :(

I realized I need to refrain from checking out profiles of people -- celebrities or not. Why? Because there's an 85% chance of learning a shocking news especially since you have not been in contact with that person.

So last night I had an exchange of thought with a friend who read something that says " When a certain person appears in your dreams, that person wants to see you!" I think it was from Time Magazine. We've been talking about dreams and the subconscious months before she encountered this so we're like "Hmmmm... Really? How cool, He wants to see you!" Which reminded me of someone...Michael Holper..Though I guess I dreamt of him like once or twice or even more, I didn't think of him because of the quote. I just remembered him, it's been a long time since we talked about Mike.

If in the World of David Cook, someone Cookifies you, in the basketball world, she was the one who got me into liking Mike Holper even more. Who is Mike Holper? He is a basketball player, he plays for some team in the Philippine Basketball Association. Yes, before David, it was Michael Holper. I'd watch ever single game even though he didn't have much minutes to play. I remember talking to him on my, I think 19th or 20th birthday. It was the coolest birthday. I said Hi and wished him luck before games and he'd reply and sometimes he does not and I would feel sad. *Scorned* But the most memorable thing was the 9sec video for my 21st birthday :))) I flailed when I watched this video. My room mates were asking if he was my boyfriend! Haha.. I wish!!! I also remember them, saying "Hey cherry!" everytime they'd see me and then we'd laugh while our batchmates' gave us puzzled looks.. Oh good times!

( Birthday Video )

Then came David and I sort of forgot about him. I kind of paid less attention since I learned he had an older girlfriend. I don't know I guess it just felt awkward on my part. Maybe because I super liked him. Though I still watched him play but I tried to not send him messages expect for birthday greetings. The last time I sent him one was last May. I sent him a birthday greeting and I wasn't really expecting him to reply but he did. And I was like, Oh, okay. I was tempted to reply but I did not. If it happened like a year or so ago when I was still into him, though I still like him up to now then I would have hit that reply button. I guess I have matured. Or have I?

Why am I writing about this? It's because I feel guilty when I tend to forget (Well, not totally forget but I guess I paid less attention) about the people who somehow, has inspired me. I feel really bad.. *sigh*

He's now engaged to the same girl :) And she 5 months pregnant.. I am still shocked. I just learned about it last night.. Oh well.. :] I am happy for him though.. He's a super nice guy and she's lucky to have him :))

So I logged on to Twitter and received the shock of my life.  There it was on top of the trend, RIP STEPHEN GATELY.. I first thought, maybe it's just some prank or something..I then googled and learned it was not and realized Twitter is somewhat reliable considering it was where I confirmed Michael Jackson's death.

When I was in grade school, I fell in love with Boyzone. There was something about their songs. There were lots of boy bands then but it was Boyzone that caught my attention.. I bought all their album (cassette tapes back then because I didn't have the money to buy the CDs).. And if I remember correctly, apart from their songs, I loved the band because of Stephen.. He was my favorite member.. Also, because of the band, my best friends and I bonded.. We would spent hours and hours over the phone discussing about them.. The fan girls in us were soooo evident.. I was even made fun by my cousins who were such teasers.  And I would blush and feel embarrassed for being such a fan girl.. Not that I am not proud of being one or for supporting someone but I just didn't like the idea of being teased or made fun of because you support or like someone they didn't.  I get pissed easily I admit.  Anyway, I memorized every song and I would play them when I would wake up in the morning and place the player near the bathroom.  And I'd also play them while I am in the car and my grandfather who drops me off to school would scold me for interrupting his driving while I ask him to turn on the car player. I can't believe I remember these things soooo vividly..

At this moment I don't know what I feel.  I guess it hasn't sunk in yet..  Now I know the feeling of "losing" someone I didn't personally know but have at least touched my life and He was not really aware of.  He was not the perfect person. He married someone belonging to his own sex.  There were other imperfections not known to the public but still for me it never made him less of a person.  Yeah, that is how I look at people even though they are not my friends, relatives or whatever.

RIP STEPHEN GATELY.

P.S.
By "favorite" I mean I had a huuuuuuugggggggggggggeeeeeee crush on him.

Yep, I am still alive.. It's the one thing I am grateful especially today since it's a Sunday. 

Yesterday, I cleaned the entire house, well, almost the entire house because my mother's brother is coming.  My mother went to work, overtime, and my sister went to Red Cross to help out since they were conducting an orientation and I was left alone to clean.  Obsessive-compulsive that I was I wanted the floor of the bedroom to be really so polished, since my tito and his wife are meticulous when it comes to cleanliness of the house, it's their house by the way.. They have their own house in Manila though, where they permanently reside.  I was really trying so hard to make it so polished but then I stopped since I was feeling my Carotid pulse pounding and I got scared.  I stopped for a while and drank a glass of water, cold water by the way, which I think is not advisable to drink if you are dead tired.  Then after a couple of minutes I continued cleaning and I was eventually done before 2pm.  I then took  a bath and sat in front of the computer, I didn't sleep since I thought it would be best to just go to bed early that night. I had a slight headache while surfing the internet.  I thought it was just because of the weather, it was really hot so I just tried to ignore it.  I went to the grocery with my mom and when I came home I was hungry already.  The headache worsen but then I thought it was just because I was hungry.. I sometimes have headaches when I am soooo hungry.  Before dinner I really wanted to take painkillers but then since I had an empty stomach I waited until after dinner before taking the meds.  It was relieved for a while.  While watching I felt it was getting worst to the point that I was crying already because it wont go away.  And then I thought of the pounding pulse and it made me think of crazy stuff like, "what if I had a ruptured aneurysm or something--stroke, and the like.  I immediately browsed my Pathophysiology book.  No nausea, vomiting, photophobia for me. Ruled out stroke, aneurysm. Haha.. Funny how the nurse in me comes out when I am sooo paranoid.  Then I decided to take another painkiller though I know it was dangerous to take another one.  My mom even freaked when I said I took one.  Even more when I told her if  "I wont wake up tomorrow that means I was overdosed!" I again took a bath and taddah! Headache's gone!  Slept early and...And I am still here.. :))

Thinking about the pounding pulse and headache yesterday made me realize so many things.  That contrary to what I always told my mom and sister, I was afraid to die.  Before, I always thought that I was ready to leave the earth anytime because I know and believe that I will be in a much better place but it was not as simple as that.  I remember talking to God, telling Him how I wished it was me who died instead of my father. I would really trade places with Him if given the chance.  I did the same when my grandfather died.  And now I have been put in a place where I came to understand why people are so afraid of dying, even so of dying young.  It made me think that I have not yet accomplished anything in my life as far as I am concerned.  I still have lots of goals to accomplish.  I still have to meet THE DAVID COOK in person.. I still have to buy a rest house in Tagaytay next to my best friends house.. Haha.. And that is probably the reason why I had that slight hesitation to accept imminent death.

Also it's during those eulogies that we come to realize how someone has lived the life he/she was blessed with and how much he/she has touched even just one person's life.  And I do not like that to happen, I want to know how I was as a friend, daughter, sister, professional, etc. while I am still on earth.  And in return I would like to express my gratitude for having  wonderful people who surround me, who loved, cared and supported me.  It's a pity to know these things are said right when we are about to bury someone six feet below.  So why not tell the people we care about how we feel, right?  And I am telling it to YOU right now, yep, YOU the one reading this even though we have not personally met or you may not have left any comment or something but the fact that you read this means something already.  You have shared some of your precious time and that is something to be THANKFUL FOR. :D

Thinking it all over I was left with another question, would I rather die in an instant (like from an accident) or suffer from a long-term disease such as cancer or something like that?

Twitter has been acting really weird! I guess because of the "hacker attack" a few days ago.. I downloaded TwitterFox just so I can @reply to people and I have noticed that I am receiving updates from micheleeeex during Nokia Concert and GMA.  I became suspiscious 'coz it's Sunday, August 9, here in the Philippines and the Nokia Concert and GMA appearance was Friday, August 7.  If it's 7:55 pm here Sunday, it should be 7:55 am there Sunday, right? So, the updates I have been receiveing from micheleeeex were tweets from yesterday (Saturday). Am I hallucinating or something here!!!

So, I have been receiving tweets from yesterday but in real time???  It's like Deja vu or something.. It's creepy!!!

I think micheleeeex and I should check our Twitter accounts!!!! Something's wrong...

Proof:



( Four more... )

P.S.
micheleeeex : If I got everything wrong, I apologize in advance..I don't want to alarm you or creep you out as well..

...by someone who have inspired me.. Thus this one:

After my rants on Facebook and Twitter, here I am. I just want to get my feelings out.

So my ever bitchy cousin asked me to print out some shirts again which I turned down a few days ago because of the many things I was supposed to attend to. I thought we were already clear that I can't do it.  Much to my surprise she still sent the shirts so I thought  I just have to return it.  Came Friday she sent me a text message asking me to send the deliver the printer shirt to her which was so impossible because I have to attend the Christening of my friend's son.  She even asked someone to call me to asked about the shirt because apparently she was sick! But here's the thing, my cousin is such a liar.  I know how she manipulates people and I would never allow someone to manipulate me.  I'm not exaggerating here when I said she's a liar.  She does make up stories.  I should know because she tells me things especially with her "boyfriend" (I don't really wanna go there because I might say things I should not really divulge to people) .  She even told someone she was at the hospital even though she was not.  How pathetic is that?

So when she tells me things, I find it hard to believe because she tends to make up stories just so you can give in to her demands or something.  So today, she again sent me a text message begging me to print out the shirt because her friend is leaving and the shirts were apparently gifts for some friends.  I told her I really can't do it because I am busy.   She then asked her friend to text me.  Furious that I was, I replied and said "I'm on my way home to print it out, I'll just ask someone to hand it over to you because I have some important thing to attend to".  And guess what she replied! She sarcastically said, "Sorry I have to ruin your important appointment!" What the! Then I replied, "I'm sorry too, but I thought I was clear when I told my cousin I can't do the shirts because I have important things to do. And then she finally told me there was a mis-communication and it was all my cousin's fault! How about that? I was almost embarrassed by someone for not being able to print out some shirts for some client because of her and all she did was send text messages to me to do something for her!  My patience-meter is about to overflow! I really had enough of her already!

The thing is, I am not the confrontational type, I don't want arguments or I don't want someone to think I am being hard on them so I'd rather do what they want me to do. But also don't want people to take advantage of my being so patient because there are limitations for everything.  And I am afraid I might do bad things when decided that it has to end. I always believed people who seem like they could tolerate everything are the scariest people to deal with when they have enough of what is happening.  And I am that high-tolerance-to-everything kind of person. My sister would always tell me that I "tamed" compared to her because I always follow what people tell me and I don't break rules but then again I guess she does not know me really well.

Am I rude for making this rant? I feel bad for acting this way! Even though I look snob, like a bully or something I'm really harmless.  And I hate my self for being that way!!!

Good thing though is that my FLIST  is entertaining me :) And I am grateful for that ;)

Ok, enough with my rants.  Now I am OK!  I just needed to let it all out .

I'm you're biggest fan I'll follow you until you love me...You'll be famous (You already are!) Chase you down until yo love me!!! LOL

To my flist:

I'm so sorry I just wanted to post this.. I can't help it ;)

A lot has been happening the past few days, and mostly death of friends' grandparents.  The grandfather of my best friend of 15 years died of a heart attack last Friday and it really came to me as a shock.  I learned about it because I went out with a close friend of mine from high school.  Then my best friend confirmed the news when she sent a text message saying that they are on their way here.

That same day we met up with another friend of ours and told us about the passing of her grandfather as well.  Unfortunately her grandfather was from Cebu and the burial is on Saturday, the same day as her baby boy's Christening so she wont be able to attend the services.

Then came Monday night and I learned about the passing of a relative by affinity, I'm guessing she had a heart attack as well although she was suffering from Colon Cancer (yeah, the dreaded CA!).  It's really weird the most popular diagnosis these days is CANCER!  And I am kind of freaked because it runs in the family!  Anyways, she really became close to us  when we were grieving the loss of my grandfather and she was always there.  It really makes me sad that she's also gone now.

So yesterday Leslie, who broke the news regarding the passing of my best friend's grandfather, and I finally went to the wake.  I felt sad not just because of their loss but rather because it was the only time we were able to catch up after so many years.  She went to another school which was a 10hr drive from here and after she graduated from college she got a job there.  We never had the chance to see each other whenever she comes home for vacation so it took us seven years before we finally saw each and it turned out that fateful day was yesterday at the wake.  The friendship we have was really the kind where even though we never saw each other in years nothing really changed.  It felt like we were still in grade school, the only difference is we talk maturely.  I guess it's a weird friendship because I don't really get to share those secrets with her and then we'll both end up at an assumption that this or that has happened.  And every assumption is always true.  Not that I don't trust her or she doesn't trust me but rather I guess we have this silent or unspoken communication that only the two of us understand which is really cool.. And that we were always assured that despite not being able to talk to each we always have each other.

In other news, my computer is fixed after two weeks.  I lost my audio two days ago and now it's back. I don't know what really happened.  I'm just glad everything's back to normal.

Still in other news, I want to have my hair curled. I've been having bad hair day almost every day so I thought I'd have it permanently curled.. I wanted it permed but then if I'd be going for duty I'd have it pony-tailed since we're expected to be looking neat when dealing with the patients and one of the hospital staff might call my attention if my hair would be all over my face or something.

( My hair will look like one of these girls' hair style! Hmmm.. )

ETA:
THIS JUST IN!: So our other best friend, Miar, whom I was with my entire college life (we were always together! Our batch mates even thought we were bribing the ones who made our groupings because we were always on the same group.), also lost her grandmother! This week is really getting weird.

So I have not been surfing the internet the past week 'coz my ever dearest sister infected my 'puter with virus :( I've been so bored though watching 3 seasons of 24 kept me insane and happy :)) But still I was bored. I got to access Facebook on my mobile and that's about it.  I haven't gotten my 'puter back up to now, I'm using someone else's 'puter! Haha.. So I'll take this opportunity to catch up..

I miss everyone :) Really! It feels like the web has been my world and home. And you all are family :)  Hopefully I can catch up soon :)  Take care everyone!

This is all for now ;)

micheleeeex  and yumipitz 

HAPPY BURPDAY to both of you :)) Have a blast :)

Today would have been your 90th birthday Grandpa! It's the same day I bargained to come quickly last year.  I was praying for one more year but it was never granted.  You let go when I was telling you to hold on and stay with us for a little while.  You're such a stubborn old man, you know that! And you missed my 22nd birthday! Technically, you didn't 'coz  we all said our, well, not GOODBYES but SEE YOU LATER, on my birthday!  How could you do that????  But come to think of it you still wanted to stay for may birthday right? I miss you LOLO.  I miss how I joke around you and how you annoy me at times.  I miss your snore at night, but please don't let me hear that tonight.  I miss everything!

 I hope you know that you were like a real father to me.  And I am so sad that you're also gone.

*My dad's dad passed away when I was not even born and my father passed away when I was 7yrs. old.  I don't really know if it's a good thing to only have two grandfather and one father because I might be in trouble if we have more grandfathers and fathers 'coz I noticed they are all gone!*

Anyways, I hope you'll have a blast up there LOLO!

P.S.
Just don't party here at home because I am alone, ok? I really don't want company.  You know how scared I am of some presence I don't really see right?

To my flist, sorry I am just annoyed!

It's really hard to be in a business where you have to work with someone else.  If only I had the money to put up my own.. I know she was the one who invested, scratch that someone else did, and I know I am just her industrial partner (as she addresses me) but I am tired of her telling me to do this and that.  I never agreed to do everything! When we started this business you said we'd do it together, you'd also help me since we won't be putting much effort, all we need is some computer, software etc.. But as we went along I was the one who was doing all the work! You just phone me to tell me to print out 6 shirts or something or that I need to accompany you to deposit money! And what do I get in return? PhP 15 (like 30 cents in the US)  per shirt! You just show up because you need me, but when I need help you have so many reasons.

I hope you realize that I am not your slave.  And don't tell me you're paying me because it isn't enough.  I am sticking with you because you are my cousin and I don't want to jeopardize our relationship.

I just got home. I had my Baby D aka Samsung U600 mobile phone checked because nothing shows up on the screen.  I am so careless and dropped my phone a few days ago and then Saturday night, it just died.  It's just a year old, I got it May 22, 2008, the day David won American Idol (here in the Philippines) but I had it opened twice already. I know, I am so careless/clumsy! Anyways, before it died last Saturday, I was looking at Nokia's E63 and was thinking of saving up so I can buy one even though I know I can still have my U600 repaired.  I guess my phone felt I was taking him (yeah him!) for granted and so it thought me a lesson, it suddenly did not show up anything on the screen. Apparently the flex of the phone was torn.  Good thing my mom gave me money to have it repaired! Haha.. Yeah, I don't have money to pay for my phone's repair but I am thinking of buying an expensive phone! Haha..

I am still deciding if I really want to buy another phone since they have revived my phone plus I don't really want to ditch my U600 especially since it will always remind me of David right???

I am just happy it working again :))

Two days in a row! So my memory has failed me for the second time! I don't know where this is coming from, is it because I am idle for more than a year now and there's really not much brain activity  going on or because of my being so clumsy that I bump my head hard a couple of times already and has not submitted myself for CT scan or whatever test I need?

Last night I commented on  traipsing_gypsy's status on FB! We were like playing supply the next lyrics.. Haha.. Then she told me she wrote an entry about the song. I then checked out LJ.  It was about Ryan Star! For the longest time people where talking about him and I never payed attention.  I saw some photos of him, His voice is awesome but it never really caught my attetion until that post by traipsing_gypsy.  Yeah I know! I suck! How did I not recognize that He joined Rock Star Supernova? Though I admit I only watched that show once or twice. Bad memory!

Then a while ago, I remember I haven't watched the Shattered Dreams video of David so I went to look for it.  Again, the chorus sounded familiar, and I tried to recall the song but nothing came to mind and Johnny Hates Jazz does not ring a bell either.  Then I goggled it and TADAAAH! ULTRA! Haha.. I used to listen to them.  It sounded famiiar because I sang to it already in gradeschool!

I know it's not really a big deal but it scares me 'coz I bumped my head a couple of times really hard and I am thinking that has something to do with failing memory! Or I am just too paranoid?

Anyways, I'm done here.. Haha :)